To be or not to be...!!!!!

I donno....!!!

Is it me or is it my mind that leads me astray.....I have left so many things for her sake. I have tried to keep a tab on all of my philandering ways just to see her happy, coz I cant see her sad. She is a cute kid, no one can possibly see her sad.
But still I think, it's not enough for her. Nothing is. She is always expecting more out of me. I dont know how to satisfy her inquisitive demands. Maybe I am a failure. But wait, hold on, why should I be?? I have tried my level best in all possible ways. I have given up many stuffs which I dearly loved to indulge in....

She always complains about each and every action of mine. I donno whether I am wrong everytime or she is always being a snoot....But no matter how much we argue or fight, it's always me who tries to bridge the differences and I guess that she takes me for granted. Yes she does. She always has some quick piece of her mind and she doesn't hesitate showering it on me, irrespective of being in public or private. I hate this. I hate this know-it-all attitude and this righteousness... I mean, cmon, I have also seen the light of the day and have survived many a ordeal. I have had my share of mistakes and the resultant repurcassions leading to outright miseries.....But I have made my own mistakes and had learnt every bit from them. I dont need someone to judge me and tell me that I need to learn the finer nuances of life.........I am being upfront and care a damn about what others think of me...If that's an offense, then I am guilty as charged.

I neved lived life very seriously coz as they say, no one will get out of it alive anyway. I feel suffocated when someone tries to bind me within a routine and start making rules for my existence. I absolutely loathe the idea of living life by rules. I mean I had always been this rebel who always bent rules and cared less about what others think of him. But according to her, I have been a waste till now. I am sick and tired of people trying to dominate my life.....I have always shaped my own course of action and will continue to do so, no matter who is on my back. This monkey on the back thing really disgusts me. I always had authority issues...

This one day, she was complaining about how much priority I give to my frndz. She is so vindictive that she doesnot even stop from telling me how much I lack self respect. I mean,this is height, why are girls so complicated?? Why do they think that we can't have our own life and our stuffs which we love to do and take pride in them. Why is it that we always have to be in their shadow everytime??? Or else, the same good old statement that we are not prioritising stuffs and not spending enough quality time with them.....WTF......Spend a funky evening or a sleepover with frndz and they begin to see RED....Height of insecurity and jealousy.....

She needs to get it straight that I am , what I am. And by GOD, I am proud of what I am. No one and I repeat, absolutely no preaches me on how I should be living life, coz its my life and I will live it by my own rules. But I can't give her a piece of my mind coz I can't see her unhappy or sad. I have always tried to go out of my way to please her in the best way I possibly could. But still I think, I am not enough for her. I get this feeling time and again that I am not the kind of guy she hoped for or rooted for. I really cannot fathom why she is so complicated at times. At one end she tell me that she loves me like anything, but on the other hand, I am this guy with innumerable amount of faults...God only knows what she really wants.. Maybe she wants her kind of guy moulded with all the good characteristics into my body. It's sad. I can't be her Mr. eligible perfect marriageable material, no matter how many stones I turn upright. Coz I am completely different and cant match her prerequisites.

Maybe I am at fault, or better, maybe fault is what I am always gifted with although I win all the roadblocks fair and square. Life is not fair and its more unfair to those who outrageously bends its contemporary rules and make their own, the lone rangers.......and well, I am one of them.

Bring me back to life.....!!!

I love her too much to let her go.
I love her too much to see her in pain, to see her crying.
I am 'addicted' to her.....
Muskaan, I am in too deep, I have lost my mind, I just wanna hold you........forever and ever......

I can be your hero baby, I can kiss away the pains......I will stand by you forever.....you can take my breath away.......I can be your hero......!!!!!!

Maybe I am addicted and out of control, but you are the only drug that keeps me from dying, maybe I am a liar, but you are the only reason I am trying........!!!!
I am wasted away, I made a million mistakes, am I too late???

I am not afraid of dying, all I am afraid of is losing you......!!!!!

When you came into my life, life suddenly happened to me. I became so engrossed in everything, that I forgot the catalyst behind all my happiness. Everything seemed clear to me, till I hit reality. And I lost it all..........
At this point I understood what part you play day-in day-out in my life and how you redifine my shortcomings with your tireless approach. I undermined your love. It's far too strong to deny or neglect. I am at fault of being the only stupid in this whole goddamn world to look further when I already have "Little Miss Sunshine" in my life......how ridiculous, I am ashamed....!!!

Magic....is what you are capable of. Care and affection, you are blessed with. Nuances of nurturing and harnessing is to learnt from you. I have never ever thought that, apart from my Mom, someone else was capable enough to shower the amount of love and care you bestowed upon me. Truly I think, you rock and I suck...!!!! I have never experienced this amount of dedication and commitment from someone before I chanced upon you, lucky me........!!!!

Go on, go on, leave me breathless......!!!!!!

Sorry..Blame it on me!!!!

Take everything from the inside and throw it all away, coz I swear for the last time I will never break her trust again. She doesn't deserve it. My life , my pride is broken. She loves the way I look at her while taking pleasure in the awful things I put her through. I like to think I am never wrong, why do I always have to act like I am someone? I want to share what I have been through. I live what I have learnt. I will hurt myself just to get back to her, to win her over again. Because I have realized one thing, without her i am incomplete. She supplements me, she compliments me, she redefines me, she polishes me into a human being. I forfeit the game, before somebody else takes me out of the frame. Before someone put my name to shame, I need to cover up my face. I need to dig deep and rediscover myself. What have I become?

I have arguably the best girl, the best friend, the best lover, the best life partner I could ever dream of, and here I am. Dishonoring and disgusting her off. Sometimes I am so pissed off with myself. Sometimes illusions are not so simple. I know, the sun will set for me one-day, and the shadow of the day will embrace me. She doesn't deserve any of this. Sorry......is all I can say...!!!

But remember this Muskaan, Nothing's gonna change my Love for you and that you will always be the Queen of my heart.....Please don't let me fall...!!!!!
I know I don't deserve heaven's garden, but I can at-least make sure that I can visit you there sometimes.....!!!!
I can be your Hero, baby...!!!!!

As life goes on, I am starting to learn more and more about responsibility. I realize everything I do is affecting the people around me. So I want to take this time out to apologize for things I have done. I am sorry for the times I would neglect you, disrespect you. I am sorry for the fact that I was not aware, that you can't sleep at night when I am not there. Sorry for the things that I did not say, like how you are the best thing in my world and how i am so proud to call you my girl...........!!!!

I understand there are some problems and I am not too blind to know. All the pain you kept inside, even though you might not show. If I can't apologize for being wrong, then its just a shame on me. I will be the reason for your pain and you can put the blame on me.....!!!!!!!

Love you unconditionally.
Sorry...Blame it on me.....!!!!!!!

Lightning strikes.....

Well, there are few things in this world that really baffles you. Sometimes you dont find any answers and sometimes you dont want to find any. I really dont know what is my stand.
Sometimes I feel, I am not supposed to be here, I am not meant to be here, I should not be here at all.

When I am alone, I cant help but think about what still drives me. Maybe my undying love for my mom, or my undying gratitude towards my grand parents and maternal uncle, maybe my passion for adventure, maybe my zeal for something more. I was always this fiercely competitive, funloving, adventurous and happy g lucky bloke who wanted to live life by his won standards........but life is a bitch and it gave me a raw deal. Always.

But no complaints really. I had my days under the Sun. and believe me, i got plenty of oppurtunities to make it a pleasant one. But somehow I cudn't make hay while the Sun shined.
Didnt make an effort to be the man of the moment.